A Bad Poem

The treason that is my body
Residing inside my groins
The pleasure I seek is more than for now
But it is not what you enjoy

Cheated by a vow you didn't take
And the lies in the promises you never made
If it was sex, well, then let it be
All the wishes lost in a decadent dream

If it is just that: seduction and drinks
Then what is freedom? Who is free?

It is up to you what happens to me
So how can someone say that I am free
If the future of (my) life even for now
Rests with a grown child and his whims?

The cosmic drama and its implications
- Life, death, and life again -
Fecundity, prosperity, joy, and free will
Traded for alcohol and a short lived thrill

My choice is clear: avoid that path
- Seclusion, Reclusion, The Hermit card -
The taste from your mouth, and your smell on my bed
Are not worth the pain from void you left

(A bad poem, A.S, sep.29/2015)

Being Poetry

And at times you cry and complain
And sadness takes over
And cry out for death and love and sex
Sometimes only happiness sustains
From sunset to morning
Love and peaceful is the man and his
Sometimes, the person while in love
Laugh and cry about things only in his mind
And then, sometimes, things from back a while
Are livid and hot in his present time
Sometimes he mixes midday and midnight
And sleeps through work hours
And wake up during the night
To find that he is not lonely
- This is being poetry -

in honor of Estado de Poesia, by Chico César, sang by Maria Bethania

Give it time and rest

I won't say "you should know better"
For who knows such things?
The older they get, the less they care
But I will tell you this:
The pain will go away
And it is better like this
Alone but for friends
Not loved but by yourself
(It wasn't love anyway)
It hurts now because it must
- It is the price of lust -
But you won't remember or regret
Give it wine and rest
Give it time and sex.

For Jeff Bowen.

A Picture in Motion

A Picture in Motion

There is something to do
With hearts and how fast they beat
And the gaze and the walk and the smile
And smiling back

Papers were signed and oaths sworn
But there is something to do
With the chance of encounters
And lust

Rules were set and boundaries drawn
And there is a fine line to trespass
Between care and respect and devotion
There is passion

And time has passed since I was seventeen
It comes back now: The horse in my dreams
The safety he gives I will never seek
It isn't for me

It is up in the mountain, hidden from them
With no interruptions but the ones we make
Among all this, one thing still:
I chose for me the air from your nostrils.


November.5th/2014
for Don Harrison

Compromisso #2

E o que que eu faço se é você que eu quero?
E a cada passo e a cada tropeço que levo: você
E espero
Que no fim de tudo e quando já velho
Não tenha família ou amante que atrapalhe o meu querer
Já não rezo mais aos meus guias e Orixás
Pedindo que te tragam pra perto: pra esse frio polar
Quero viver junto, no calor do teu quarto
E para alcançar o que almejo, com você proponho um trato:
Sei de minhas loucuras, e faltas, e sumiços
Mas me aguenta que eu te aguento: entre nós dois, o compromisso.

Seek Death

If death is what you seek, and above wishes, and above all else: death. Seek it gladly, slowly glide, evade the smiles of life, avoid the light of day. Be tormented by life and the lure of bodies. Seek revenge and poison raw. Wish for the unfriendly-friend, ever looming, ever escaping. Seek it underwater, seek it under bed. The cover of night, the shade of time, it all will hide a piece of death. For you there is nothing, no granted wish. You might undo the fabric that was given, you might pull the string that is missing, the cuts will happen and you might let it bleed, but death and its cold touch your heart will never reach. If you wish for death, just don't seek it. It will come at the hour and day of your passing.


Keywords: Death; Suicide; Seeking Death; 

You are not the nice guys.

I will never understand or accept the exclusion

I will not stand still while you walk by

And achieve very misty conclusions

Reasoning your hypocrisy and lies

I will not, I repeat, humor my own pain

I was nice to you all, as friendly as I could

You need to know: you are cruel and vain

Selectively excluding me from your group

It doesn't get better: the bullies also grow up

They find jobs and get new wives

They will be there to pester your life

And you cannot join their special club

But lets be clear just for one moment:

I will not let you pretend you are the nice guy

Don't stand there acting as if chosen

Don't pretend to be something you could never buy.

Antonio S.

August.9/2014

keywords: bully; bullies; lonely; darkness; exclusion; peer; group; groups; high school; gays; gay; cliques; clique;

The Longing for Home

Sometimes I wake up lost
not knowing where I am
where to go
I am in my bed
There is nothing to bind me here
nothing to make me stay
This apartment where I live
all my things
so flammable, saleable, destructible
All these years, all for nothing
I know deep down that I can't stay much longer
It is the wish in your heart
the whisper that comes at dawn
You do not belong here
It is the will to run
To go
To leave
It is the pain of time
The dust in the hours
I realize it now
It is the longing for home
It is the atrocity of dislocation
The ephemeral friendship you make
with life
The deals you agree upon
but you do not agree
It is the knowledge that this doesn't matter much
none of it
You will be gone soon
They will stay
they won't miss you
The land of nowhere, the land of no one
You don't belong here
...
Sometimes I wake up lost
and I look at my fingers
I look at the walls
and I feel my bed
and I look for the dream that woke me up
What was the message?
What did they try to say?
...
Sometimes I wake up in my bed
but where am I?
What is this place?
What am I doing here?
I don't know
The feeling is not sadness
or longing
or despair
It is emptiness
The feeling that you don't belong
that you didn't bind
that you are aloft
you are floating in a wave of people
you are drifting in an ocean of culture
that is not yours
You don't belong
You might try
- and you are required to -
But you don't belong.




January.05/2014

5:51am

From My Mouth To Yours

I need words to demonstrate
My desirability and desire
For you
And for you only my breath.
It was there, in your chest,
And I know you felt it too
You tried to hide, avoid and
Lie
But it was there, was everywhere.
Babe, be mine.
A tortuous road lies behind
And what will come is pain and pride
Is care and joy, and flower and fruit
Will be the beauty of May in June.
A long wait we had apart
Time will heal and mend our hearts
When you're prepared and whole again
Will be our bed, not just mine then.


- To Darren,  Feb.27/2013

You're my type!

Don't leave me now

Because the sleep is here

The night is young

And you're my type

Don't just leave me now

Laying in my bed, with nothing on

Covered in your sweat

You're just my type

I thought it was your kiss

Baby, don't be sad

Yes, you have to leave

But you will be back

Don't leave me here

Without you near

So sound asleep

Snoring deep

Oh, baby, now

It is the time

To get unmarried

To break our vows

Be back for me

This time to stay

Chicago ain't near

I need you, babe.

Freedom

I became jaded
For all the love and matters of the heart
My soul then became cold
My heart was ripped apart.
My body was confined
Where I was, I found freedom
And there I found no pain.
To love is for the silly
Not sound of mind
The ones who see the future
Or believe in a god hidden in the sky.
From my past loves I learned this:
The scratches and bruises that life will give
Make sure that it bleeds.

The void I feel

What to do about all this stuff?
 What to do? What to do?
 Inside my house there is a room
 Empty and full, it is empty and full

 My body and soul, house and sword,
 It is all for you, all for you
 But secrecy and a hidden place
 Is what we do, all we could

 My lust and touch is dirty and pure
 Oh so pure, putrid and pure
 And then your eyes keep crossing mine
 Oh so sure! I feel so sure!

 But it is not doubt or vexing thoughts
 What keeps you away for hours
 Is just as many before you knew:
 Too much trouble, not enough thrill

 That is my sin, it is how I feel
 The void won't fill, it never will

Ócio das horas e o acaso da Bossa

Sou dado ao ócio e ao desperdicio de tempo
Tudo o que faço nunca estará inteiro
Se a morte vier, atrasarei o enterro
Se o sono não vem, me viro do avesso.

As horas no emprego são como um soterro
Um sufoco, uma dor, um tempo bem lento
Escorro e me afogo na cadeira em que sento
Ficaria em casa, não fosse o dinheiro

Sou dado a preguiça e as caricias do beijo
Acordo bem tarde e a cama não deixo
Me agarro ao lençol e abraço o travesseiro

Mas há um só tempo que de energia me encho
sexta à noite, quando caio na fossa
Sou dado aos bons drinks e ao acaso da bossa.

To Love a God

I burn with my desires
And I burn at night
The sweat you see trickling
Is neither sickness nor fright

I wish for Dionisius,
Pan or even Poseidon
To do with me what often
They did with the mighty Priapus

So far, they never came
At least not during the day
In my dreams is where I seek
The love they keep for me.


Dec.12/2011 , Vancouver, BC, Canada

One Of A Kind

One of a kind
by Antonio Sousa

It was hard enough to find you
But you keep saying that you are not enough
Then, you tell me: What should I do?
All my life friendship was neglected
"Too fat"; "A fag"; "Too smart"; "Not a rapper"
I tried to be cool and fit in with the crowd
"Even your mom left you"; "Don't be so loud"
I didn't do drugs, so I had no friends
Just happens I read books, so I had no friends
Everything I do just sounds like a mistake
At a job or at school, I am always the bad steak
How would you know it? You are surrounded by friends
They fly from distant shores just to see or talk to you
Was so hard finding you
- É necessário achar mais um?*

Sep.18/2010, Edmonton, AB, Canada

* Is is necessary to find one more? (portuguese)

Sobre o Dia do Homofóbico Enrustido

Sobre o Dia do Homofóbico Enrustido
por Antonio Sousa

Quero, por meio desta, expressar o prazer que vivencio nos ultimos dias trancafiado no meu quarto por medo de represalias que posso vir a sofrer na rua.
Não do tipo físico, mas psico-emocionalmente falando, somos a nova piada do ano. E por nós eu quero dizer Brasil.
E por nova piada eu me refiro ao Dia do Orgulho Hetero. Ha!
Sabe, quando todo mundo postou isso no facebook eu olhei e pensei “gente, pára de dar corda pra esse povo besta... ignora que eles esquecem...”.
Mas gente, até o vocalista do Judas Priest zoou com a nossa cara. Vai no google e procura por Brazil Heterosexual Pride Day pra ver o que estão dizendo do Brasil por aí... Aliás, por aqui, que eu não moro na República das Bananas (uma pena, amo meu país).
Falta de vergonha na cara, o país que tem a maior Parada Gay do MUNDO sendo tão homofóbico.
Pois sim, como a Dani Calabresa (Furo MTV) disse tão eloqüentemente “Orgulho Hetero é o Dia do Homofóbico Enrustido” tsá?!
Gente, porque que essa porra desse país deixa a bosta da Igreja governar? Por que tem que ser muito burro pra não ver que essa palhaçada não vai ser uma manifestação pelo orgulho de ser hetero, por que né gente, não é que eles tenham que esconder algo ou levem lampadada na rua por andarem de mãos dadas.
Escrevam o que eu digo, se o congresso aprovar essa idiotisse de fato, vocês verão cartazes do tipo “Defendendo a Moral & Bons Costumes”, “Orgulho de Uma Família Normal”, “Se Deus Gostasse de Gays, Porque Não Criou Adão & Adão?”... sabe, a mesma ladainha que ouvimos desde 1500.
Fora que, que Moral & Bons Costumes é essa de que eles tanto falam? O costume de roubar dinheiro do povo, de aceitar propina, de ser corrupto?
Família? Pai bebado que bate na mulher? Mãe drogada e prostituta?
Né, vamos acordar pra Jesus povo!
Sabe, não cola mais, sou da opinião que ou vai, ou racha.
Não dá mais pra abaixar a cabeça e fingir que não é com você.
Não aceito essas bichas que vão pra igreja e financiam a merda que eles fazem e depois vem me encher o saco dizendo que Deus é pra todos.
Como já diria Gwen Stefani “Take a chance your stupid whore!... What are you waiting for?!”.
Quero deixar claro desde já que se essa bosta desse dia do orgulho hetero ir adiante, é melhor as senhoras TODAS se mandarem dessa espelunca, pois leis podem ser alteradas. A união civil estável por parceiros do mesmo sexo será removida da constituição. PLC 122 nunca será aprovado. E não dúvido muito que eles adicionem pederastia como crime com pena de morte.
Sabe o que eu sinto do meu país hoje em dia?
Vergonha...
É um tapa na cara, aprovar essa merda semanas após o Dia do Orgulho Gay (em SP). Uma afronta a qualquer orgulho que alguém possa ter. Não tenho vergonha de ser gay, tenho vergonha de pertencer a um país que possa considerar tal ação.
Gente, cadê os protestos? Pois não é um caso de “se os gays podem ter o dia deles, nós podemos ter o nosso”.
É um caso de “Se essas bichinhas ACHAM que está tudo bem, vamos cuspir na cara delas”.
Já passou da hora do Brasil evoluir.

BeijoMeLiga

Time and Prophecy

by Antonio Sousa
July.24/2011

Part I - About my fears

From this hour and forth
I promise to have happiness
To laugh and love and pray
And cry only when faced with madness

From this day and beyond
I shall be remembered as the liar
The one who tried to wear the mask
The one who failed in life

Maybe after next week
I won't be called the poet
Instead they shall ignore the rest
Of my writings, not even put me to the test

In a month or so
When life is easier and more calm
When sun, water and light will be my fellows
Maybe things will get tender and mellow


Part II - About my love for David T. Jackson

After a year trying hard, I shall surpass
The odds of living here in Canada
The cold and rich land of no ancestry
The bold move of life I call agony

A decade shall we meet, hand in hand
And through tempest, snow, wind or sand
We will conquer it all, this I shall grant

A hundred will be the number of your years
I shall be old and grey: 73
The mark of our love will still be seem

Millenniums and light years will make us old
But sad will be the day that all our folks
Forget we are a story to be told.

Honor & Justice, Pain & Despair

Stupidity and bad behavior
The will to do everything wrong
Following the rules when it is
Convenient or fun

All shall be ignored,
But the convenient truth
Selective hearing will be
The skill they will mostly use

I shall pass intact,
With my soul as pure as ice
Your select lies won't bruise
My heart or arms

The spear I carry on my back
Honor & Justice I chose to call
A silver tongued demon won't
Last when it's shield is poison raw

The battle won't be fierce,
But short and fair played
How could a weak creature
Even stand a chance?

It can't. It is weak.
And once and for all
Pain and despair it shall meet.

It will be left alone
To die on the battlefield
And when all the stars die
Will curse the pain it feels

It won't be judged on fire
It will feel the light instead
The lies it has been telling
Will fulfill the curse I place:

"For a hundred years it will be locked
The gates of paradise it shall see
But the pleasures the paradise offers
It won't be allowed to touch, taste or hear"

And that is what I chose for you
- The demon who hides the truth -
By the end of a hundred years
You shall perish and then be set free.


Honor & Justice, Pain & Despair
Antonio Sousa
May.21/2011

Hate & Anger

To be the bigger and better person
And do the right thing
Usually lands in bad results
Not for this company, for me.

But for next time now I know:
Just be an asshole
Let them single handed
Do the work of us all

There is not a cup half full
There will be no companionship
'Cause the knife you stuck in my back
I will deliver back to you

My Putrid Soul

- to Don Leblac -



To bring death to my lips
and claim it back as if it was yours
is like singing a bunch of shit
to a kid you claim you once loved

Don't bring me pain or jealousy
or even think of promise love
what you have is what I will take:
Just sex and drugs and rock and roll

I met you once, or maybe twice
And on those times you gave me that:
Just what I want and a little more
I will take it and give you no regrets

Don't promise me more,
Don't be so sweet.
What I take I won't give back

What you give is pure and free
What I take I won't give back

I am like a child, a putrid soul
I will have sex and love and more
You are a dream, a cute (my) boy
But what you give is my, no throws.

Please stay away, and close to me
Don't stay so close, stay right here
What I want I can't define
Give back what never was once mine.