Seek Death

If death is what you seek, and above wishes, and above all else: death. Seek it gladly, slowly glide, evade the smiles of life, avoid the light of day. Be tormented by life and the lure of bodies. Seek revenge and poison raw. Wish for the unfriendly-friend, ever looming, ever escaping. Seek it underwater, seek it under bed. The cover of night, the shade of time, it all will hide a piece of death. For you there is nothing, no granted wish. You might undo the fabric that was given, you might pull the string that is missing, the cuts will happen and you might let it bleed, but death and its cold touch your heart will never reach. If you wish for death, just don't seek it. It will come at the hour and day of your passing.


Keywords: Death; Suicide; Seeking Death; 

You are not the nice guys.

I will never understand or accept the exclusion

I will not stand still while you walk by

And achieve very misty conclusions

Reasoning your hypocrisy and lies

I will not, I repeat, humor my own pain

I was nice to you all, as friendly as I could

You need to know: you are cruel and vain

Selectively excluding me from your group

It doesn't get better: the bullies also grow up

They find jobs and get new wives

They will be there to pester your life

And you cannot join their special club

But lets be clear just for one moment:

I will not let you pretend you are the nice guy

Don't stand there acting as if chosen

Don't pretend to be something you could never buy.

Antonio S.

August.9/2014

keywords: bully; bullies; lonely; darkness; exclusion; peer; group; groups; high school; gays; gay; cliques; clique;

The Longing for Home

Sometimes I wake up lost
not knowing where I am
where to go
I am in my bed
There is nothing to bind me here
nothing to make me stay
This apartment where I live
all my things
so flammable, saleable, destructible
All these years, all for nothing
I know deep down that I can't stay much longer
It is the wish in your heart
the whisper that comes at dawn
You do not belong here
It is the will to run
To go
To leave
It is the pain of time
The dust in the hours
I realize it now
It is the longing for home
It is the atrocity of dislocation
The ephemeral friendship you make
with life
The deals you agree upon
but you do not agree
It is the knowledge that this doesn't matter much
none of it
You will be gone soon
They will stay
they won't miss you
The land of nowhere, the land of no one
You don't belong here
...
Sometimes I wake up lost
and I look at my fingers
I look at the walls
and I feel my bed
and I look for the dream that woke me up
What was the message?
What did they try to say?
...
Sometimes I wake up in my bed
but where am I?
What is this place?
What am I doing here?
I don't know
The feeling is not sadness
or longing
or despair
It is emptiness
The feeling that you don't belong
that you didn't bind
that you are aloft
you are floating in a wave of people
you are drifting in an ocean of culture
that is not yours
You don't belong
You might try
- and you are required to -
But you don't belong.




January.05/2014

5:51am

From My Mouth To Yours

I need words to demonstrate
My desirability and desire
For you
And for you only my breath.
It was there, in your chest,
And I know you felt it too
You tried to hide, avoid and
Lie
But it was there, was everywhere.
Babe, be mine.
A tortuous road lies behind
And what will come is pain and pride
Is care and joy, and flower and fruit
Will be the beauty of May in June.
A long wait we had apart
Time will heal and mend our hearts
When you're prepared and whole again
Will be our bed, not just mine then.


- To Darren,  Feb.27/2013

You're my type!

Don't leave me now

Because the sleep is here

The night is young

And you're my type

Don't just leave me now

Laying in my bed, with nothing on

Covered in your sweat

You're just my type

I thought it was your kiss

Baby, don't be sad

Yes, you have to leave

But you will be back

Don't leave me here

Without you near

So sound asleep

Snoring deep

Oh, baby, now

It is the time

To get unmarried

To break our vows

Be back for me

This time to stay

Chicago ain't near

I need you, babe.

Freedom

I became jaded
For all the love and matters of the heart
My soul then became cold
My heart was ripped apart.
My body was confined
Where I was, I found freedom
And there I found no pain.
To love is for the silly
Not sound of mind
The ones who see the future
Or believe in a god hidden in the sky.
From my past loves I learned this:
The scratches and bruises that life will give
Make sure that it bleeds.

The void I feel

What to do about all this stuff?
 What to do? What to do?
 Inside my house there is a room
 Empty and full, it is empty and full

 My body and soul, house and sword,
 It is all for you, all for you
 But secrecy and a hidden place
 Is what we do, all we could

 My lust and touch is dirty and pure
 Oh so pure, putrid and pure
 And then your eyes keep crossing mine
 Oh so sure! I feel so sure!

 But it is not doubt or vexing thoughts
 What keeps you away for hours
 Is just as many before you knew:
 Too much trouble, not enough thrill

 That is my sin, it is how I feel
 The void won't fill, it never will